Rapunzel-Excalibur
by AScytheToDieFor
Summary: Excalibur is the presence locked up in a tower above the DWMA, academy of the kingdom of Death City. Major Crackfic, read at your own risk. Rated T for minor language.


**Hello there, readers! Some of you may know me, AScytheToDieFor, from my Black Butler FanFiction. It's nice to meet you.**

**This is a crackfic that was inspired by a weird dream I had one night...I hope you enjoy it!**

**Make sure to comment feedback! I love reviews!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Eater. If I did, Death the Kid would be locked up in a tower in my house. That way I could have him all to myself...**

Once upon a time in the magical land of Death City, there lived a powerful ruler named Shinigami Sama. Shinigami Sama was quite the character, with a high pitched voice and large white hands. He brought death to criminals with a single, swift reaper chop.

Then there was a young couple that lived in the forest alongside the DWMA, the academy in the kingdom of Death City. Their names were Toilet and Marie Mjolnir. The couple was very much in love, and they wanted to have a child. Finally, Marie was with child, and she was having numerous pregnancy cravings.

She REALLY wanted chocolate. And marshmallows. And basically anything that would permanently rot her teeth.

Toilet spent all of his free time in the girl's bathroom of the DWMA. This really pissed Marie off. One day, she decided that Toilet must be cheating on her. After all, he spent all his time letting girls sit on him. So she broke off their marital ties, and decided that she would raise her child on her own. One day, Marie went into labor...

...and she gave birth to a THING.

This 'thing' looked like a cross between a duck, a Victorian gentleman, and a piece of bird crap. Marie immediately decided that this child was UGLY. She fed it, but reluctantly. She gave it clothes and a cane to walk with (also reluctantly). The child was such an ugly ass that Marie decided to give it up to the DWMA, who would happily lock it away in tower above the academy. Every once and a while, Marie would visit her child. "Excalibur, Excalibur, let down your cane!" She would call in a bored tone of voice. She didn't really want to visit her bothersome son. She only did it for the sake of her conscience.

So, with that, poor old Excalibur (as the ugly duck thing was named) was put above the tower to live in his misery forever. But this did not disconcert him from entertaining his lonely self. Every once and a while, loud caroling could be heard from the top of the tower, loud, OBNOXIOUS caroling. Quite frankly, it pissed all the students off. But the mysterious presence of Excalibur got two strong and brave princes of the school thinking. Why had the DWMA locked him up? Was there a special reason? The princes wanted to know, and they wanted to know bad.

One prince was a handsome young fellow, kind and polite. He stood with a rather regal air and wore nothing but spotless attire. The prince's name was Prince Death the Kid, or Prince Kid for short. He was the son of Shinigami Sama, and was well respected by everyone. The other prince, to be honest, was a ragamuffin. He wore nothing but battle attire and spoke with all sorts of slang. He would curse like a sailor when he did not get his was, and believed himself to be a 'god'. This annoying prince's name was Black*Star.

Now, mind you, readers, these two princes did not always get along very well. But they had a common goal- they wanted to know what was up with that thing that lived above the academy (not to mention it's annoying voice.)

Every day, and exactly ten at night, the two sneaky princes would creep up to the door. From their hiding places, they always heard a woman call out, "Excalibur, Excalibur, let down your cane!" After observing this consistent behavior for about a month, the two set off to converse with the creature themselves.

It was a stormy night in October. Prince Kid and Prince Black*Star battled gusty winds and heavy rain to walk up the moonlit stairs to the tower. Not wanting to soil his brand new dress pants, the more OCD of the princes took up residence on the sturdier boy's shoulders, much to Prince Black*Star's dismay.

The two heard a faint voice wafting from the top window of a tower. It was singing a song in a weird key. "Excalibur, Excalibur! From United Kingdom, I'm looking for him. I'm going to California." It grated both boys' nerves.

Soon, they stopped under the tower's parapet. Prince Kid jumped off of Prince Black*Star's shoulders, and cleared his throat. With a high and mighty voice, he recited the slogan that they had come to hear so often.

"Excalibur, Excalibur, let down your cane!"

"Yes, I will." The song stopped abruptly, and the two princes saw a white cane floating down towards them. Prince Kid mounted Prince Black*Star and the latter grabbed the object as it lifted them into the den of the unknown.

Soon they were inside the tower. "HEY, YOU! EXCALIBUR! COME MEET YOUR GOD!" Prince Black*Star exclaimed. Prince Kid shushed him, grabbed his hand, and began to drag him towards a glowing light at a corner of the tower's room.

And they saw...glowing in front of them…

...a THING..

Prince Kid recoiled in horror. Prince Black*Star gagged and looked away.

It was some sort of bird crap/duck hybrid, they wordlessly decided. But what was the thing doing up above the DWMA, all alone in a tower.

"You are wondering who I am, aren't you?" The thing questioned.

"Um...yeah."

"I am Excalibur, thing of the DWMA."

"That much I believe we understand...er...sir?"

"I am a sir, thank you for noticing. Have you come to wed me?"

"Uh...no. We just wanted to know what you were."

"Aah. Curiosity?"

"Actually, your singing sucks. So we may have kinda wanted to stop it…"

"So rude, the kids of this age. Would you like to hear my story?"

"Um...we have nothing better to do."

"My legend begins in the twelfth century. I start my days with a cup of hot coffee, and tea is always the best for a cold or hot morning. I eat my lunches cold, and I do not like carrots. In fact, I detest carrots. I despise carrots. Do not put carrots in my food. I hope for the day when my gallant prince will come to whisk me into the moonlight. Are you both gallant? You probably aren't. Anyway, he will whisk me into the sunset? Or was it the moonlight? It was also quite possibly the desert, to tell the truth, or maybe the rainforest. Reminds me of when I was in Vegas. Do gallant knights go to Vegas? What about gallant kings? Or gallant princes? Or maybe gallant soldiers? But yes, South Africa is a lovely place. Or was it Rangoon? No, I'm positive it was Mongolia...or maybe New Mexico. Yes, it was definitely Cana-"

"SHUT. YOUR, DAMN. MOUTH. AND. GO. TO. HELL. YOU. RIDICULOUS. BASTARD. THING."

And with that, the princes were gone, and Excalibur resumed his song.

Needless to say, Prince Kid and Prince Black*Star learned why Excalibur was shut up in the tower. He was an ass.

**AN: That was ridiculously random and short ending. Ah well. Hope you somewhat liked it.**


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